Saturday, October 25, 2014

'Life Goals...Meet Decisions"

I have been wanting to get back to this sweet place for a while, but haven't been able to.
Life is busy with coaching, school, work, being a wife, and church.
There just isn't time for all of the things that I want to do, and that is a hard pill to swallow.
There are so many thing that have happened that I have not written about, so I decided that tonight, I am going to get it all down.
So- because this is my life space- I get to share it all.
Don't read if you don't have time :)
Life bring decisions.
Big ones, and little ones.
Some seem all to important at the time, and others float on by.
The decisions that I have had to make lately were not something that I personally would call easy.
Nor would I want to do that all again.
I have always had an idea of what I wanted to be "when I grew up."
But I just didn't realize how fast that would come. I took my time choosing the path I wanted to take, but once I had made my decision- NO ONE was going to change it.
Dental Hygiene it was :)
I had prayed about my decisions and have spent the last year preparing for applying to different schools. I have done really well in all of my classes and have actually been able to hold a 4.0 for my last two semesters (going to school full time, and working full time).
I had made my choice and that is all I wanted.
I felt good about my decision. I knew that I would make plenty of money to be able to work if Craig ever needed me to. I loved knowing that I would be able to help support us- if that is ever what we needed.
School is not something that I particularly enjoy (unlike the guy I married) and I liked to know that if I gave my everything for 2 years of school, that all that hard work would pay off very soon.
I loved knowing that this could be a job that I could have when I have a family- and still be able to be home with my kids often.
Little did I know- this would change.
As Craig and I have started planning out the near future, I started getting more and more stressed. I was not comforted by that decision about my schooling anymore, but I was worried. Worried that I wouldn't get in, worried that I would be wasting our money by trying to finish a year of the program at a school in Utah and then having to apply in a different state when we move...etc.
But the worry that never left my mind was that I would not be able to hold one of our children for at LEAST five more years.
(more on that later)
Craig told me to stop worrying and do what I wanted...but I didn't know what to do.
Fall semester started at UVU and I was honestly not feeling any more clarity.
The night before school started- I had my very first panic attack.
I have always been a worrier, but never to the point of actually having a silly attack!
Craig and I had gotten in a fight over something stupid, I am sure- and having that happen on top of all of my worries and knowing that school was starting the very next day (2 WORDS- UVU ANATOMY) I did not handle it well.
I went to bed, still stressed out of my mind and started crying. I cried more and more and Craig tried talking me through it- but apparently I wasn't getting any better.
My face and lips started tingling because of how fast and hard I was breathing and then I passed out 
When I came to I just remember Craig over me and was quite freaked out.
After calming down and slowing down my heart rate- I was able to fall asleep with Craig holding me tight and stroking my wet cheeks till I was asleep.
After a couple (or more) stressful weeks of school, work, coaching, and more school, I decided to take some action.
I called people, talked to people, cried on the phone with people- and did lots of day dreaming.
I soon realized that I would not be able to become a Dental Hygienist.
I just couldn't do it- not if I was this upset about it all...
So I met with Academic Counselors, Career Counselors, etc.- and it was no help.
So finally I just went and spoke with my current counselor.
I have always known that I have wanted to be in the health field.
I love helping people, I love listening to people, and I love seeing results that make peoples lives better all around.
Becca (my counselor) is over Public and Community Health. I have never really spoken with her because I only had made this my major my Freshman year after I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do.
I set up an appointment with her and had prepared myself for another disappointing meeting that would get me no where.
I stepped into her office and was welcomed by this cute lady with a fur vest on and an office full of fun fall décor, not to mention the amazing scent in her Scentsy!
Not only did I feel welcomed, but I also felt some sort of cozy feeling inside.
We spoke for 30 minutes- and that was all I needed.
I pretty much said to her- I am moving in the next year and a half. I need to graduate within three semesters- IS THIS POSSIBLE??
I was so scared to hear the answer, but she said absolutely :)
No, it won't be easy. But you can do it.
We sat and talked- and I can honestly say- I walked out of her office with teary eyes.
I felt a warmth and peace that I had not felt for the longest time.
I was no longer scared, I was comforted.
I was not worried, I know I can do hard things.
I no longer wanted to cry because of utter distress, but because I had joy inside.
I called Craig and my sweet mom and I just felt like jumping for FREAKIN JOY.
I have chosen to continue with school and to graduate in the Spring of 2016.
Just in time to move.
I know it won't be easy taking 18 credits a semester, but after finishing half of this semester, I CAN DO ANYTHING.
I have had to swallow many things lately.
I used to make dinner- every. single. night.
I wasn't always this extravagant meal, but I definitely had food on the table each night when Craig got home from work at 9.
That is no longer the case. Craig and I live off of box meals and quesadillas.
Healthy right??
Well, when you stress as much as I do- you actually lose weight!
So, no dinner- sorry Craig...
Laundry- it gets done on the weekends- usually.
Cleaning- don't even come close to my house during the week. You will see some lovely little piles everywhere.
But, after feeling like a crappy wife for a while- I realized that I don't need to.
Craig isn't making me feel that way- I am.
I am because I want to be a good wife and I want to have a clean house and amazing dinners prepared each night- but I can't right now.
My mom said it perfectly.
There is a season for everything- and your season is not that right now.
One day I will have time to make dinner every night.
One day I will be able to hold 2+ church callings
One day I will be able to blog every day if I want to
One day I will have time to go to the temple each week and read my scriptures each day for an hour....
But, that is not my season right now.
I believe that life never slows.
It may be less crowded, but we always feel up the time we have.
So- after that long...LONG post.
I want to say- decisions suck.
And I am the HONEST worst at making them.
I want to love and be good at what I do.
But sometimes it is hard to find those things.
I wish life was easy and things were handed to us...but they are not.
After having been through this- I can honestly say that I feel stronger now, more than ever.
I have pushed myself in the last couple of months- more that the last year combined.
Each day is full of a lesson.
Each day I have to make the decision when I put my feet on the floor to try harder and do better that I did yesterday.
Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't.
I am glad that I have something to work on each day...but I know that I have so much further to go.
I am so grateful for the support system that I have. I am grateful for my Savior.
I know that even when I felt alone, scared, and helpless/stupid...He was there trying to offer his hand to me.
I tried doing it on my own.
I tried following my own path- but we can't do that.
I know that the Savior has a plan for me, and my family.
I hope I can learn that lesson now- before there are even bigger decisions to make :)
Love you all!
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  1. Celeste you are AMAZING! You can do anything. Love you!!

    1. You are the best mads :) Hope all is going well!!

  2. Ugh I feel like the young, married, without kids time of life is kind of hard, because I have totally been through that! Not knowing what decision to make and just wanting to get done with school but feeling so overwhelmed about it all. I've been there, girl! But in the end it all works out, and I'm glad it is now working out for you and you were able to figure school out! Life is never easy but it's worth it.

    1. I know right?! I think I am looking at being a mom and going, "That will be a piece of cake!" HA! I know it won't be, but that is sure what it feels like right about now!! Thank you for your sweet comments Hannah :) <3

  3. So thankful for those husbands who hold us close until we fall asleep at night! Seriously, I would be a goner without Chance calming me down at night!

    My favorite quote as of late is:

    "On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far, is 100%. And that's pretty good."


    1. Aubrey- that seriously is a great quote :) Sometimes I feel like I really SUCK at getting through bad days- but that quote sure puts it in a positive perspective. Thank goodness for the Young boys eh?! Thank you so much Aubrey- I am so grateful for such awesome family :)

  4. this is so great. I can totally relate to so much of this!! i'm glad it finally got worked out. and PROPS to you girl for making dinner every night before this. my husband will probably never be able to say that about me! hahah

    1. I am glad it did also- but I am sure life will be throwing us another trial any second :) Hey- more growth and learning right?! and...THANK YOU...but honestly- cooking is just something I love to do. Wish I could do it more (and for free...and always have it turn out just amazing...) but, chapters in our lives for everything right!? Maybe one day we will both turn into those perfect wives eh?? ha! Probs not :) THANK KELLS!

  5. Decisions like this are so hard! I'm glad you were able to decide something that will bring you peace. My husband and I were faced with a similar dilemma, but it was with his schooling, not mine. He talked to one of his professors and was able to take independent study courses through his department all through the summer even though we were gone for a whole month for our wedding and honeymoon. It was such a blessing! Everything will work out, and hey -- maybe your husband can start making dinners! ;)

    1. Thank you so much gal! Peace is the perfect word :) It is so nice to hear that other people have had their struggles too. and...honestly- that guy does more around this house than I do anymore it seems :) HA!

  6. celeste i legit missed your blog, i was so happy to read this :) i tooootally understand about making hard decisions - it's so consuming. but hard work always pays off, and i think you're amazing for taking on the load that you did. really.

    ps, i never make dinner and ya know what? i kinda have grown to like box dinner and queasadillas! haha! xo

    1. Kayla :) thank you so much...that makes me think that there actually people out there that read this schmuck of a blog! ha! And...honestly- I AM THE WORST AT MAKING DECISIONS. It doesn't matter if it what I want off the menu or what I am doing for the rest of my life. Dude :) and I am actually getting used to it too...sad. haha!!

  7. i love this!!! making big decisions like that is HARD!! I have been in that same place so many times. I promise things work out how they are suppose to and when they are suppose to. :)

    1. Thank you so much for the comfort Hailey. I am sure I will be sending you an email soon asking how you do it all! Your sweet little girl makes me even that much more baby hungry! Thank you for your comments Hailey :)

  8. i just found your blog and this was the first post i read from it. i was so touched because i've been feeling similar to the way you've been feeling. a little pressure to be able to support a family if anything were to happen to my fiance or with his job. keep your chin up! my great-grandma always said, "do your best and forget about the rest!" as long as you try your hardest then you'll be alright. and it sounds like you have a very supportive husband!! i can't wait to read more pretty girl :)

    xoxo, kiely

    1. Awe! Kiely! I am so glad you found my little space! I love meeting new blogger friends that are on the same journey as I am!! Congrats on your engagement and tying the knot soon!! That is one of the best parts of my life so far- but seriously- you have so much to look forward to! Thanks for the comment!- can't wait to follow your blog!


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